Mockery Draft: We’re Smarter Than You and We’ve Got Jokes
This post was originally posted on Howard the Dunk and was a back and forth Mock Draft conducted by Andrew Melnick and myself. We alternated picks and tried to do our best mocking along the way. All odd numbered picks are mine and the even picks are Andrew’s. The only rule we made was that no trades could take place.
Hereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee we go, the Dan Gilbert’s are on the clock:
Pick 1 – Cleveland Cavaliers
Derrick Williams, SF, Arizona
I’m convinced that Cleveland wants Derrick Williams and is running a smoke screen around Irving. Since Williams will likely play the same position vacated by LeBron, Dan Gilbert will have fun requiring him to wear number 23.
Pick 2 – Minnesota Timberwolves
Kyrie Irving, PG, Duke
With a forward off the board, there is only one other position for Kahn to fill through the draft – point guard! With Johnny Flynn and Luke Ridnour on the roster and Ricky Rubio finally coming over from Spain, why not? They could fill a huge need and take a center like the Underkanter, but then how could they justify paying Darko Milicic $20 million? Oh wait, they still can’t.
Pick 3 – Utah Jazz
Enes Kanter, C, Kentucky-ish
Combining Favors and Kanter would provide with Utah Jazz with the best frontcourt in the league in terms of “guys drafted really high that nobody ever saw produce”. Also, strongly considered taking Jimmer with this pick. Too high pick wise, but he’ll be gone come 12. Jimmer in Utah = LeBron in Miami.
Pick 4 – Cleveland Cavaliers
Brandon Knight, PG, $$$$$
After passing on Kyrie Irving, the Cavs luck out with Knight still on the board. The John Calapari product will have to take a pay cut during his rookie contract but will be tutored by Baron Davis and should be able to grow a fantastic beard.
Pick 5 – Toronto Raptors
Jonas Valanciunas, C, Lithuania
Fortunately for Toronto, he seems to be the anti-Andrea Bargnani in that he actually welcomes contact With Jonas slipping to 5, Toronto ignores his contract restraints and hopes that he can provide the energy and effort that Bargnani runs so passionately from.
Pick 6 – Washington Wizards
Jan Vesely, F, Czech Republic
Jan Vesely likes to run the floor and dunk. John Wall likes to run the floor and dunk.
Pick 7 – Anaheim Princes
The Jimmer, PG, BYU
A drunk Tyreke Evans drives the lane! He throws it out to the corner and Jimmer jacks up the contested 3! Misses! Cousins rebounds the ball and immediately punts it into the upper deck!
Plenty of LOLz remain when you read the remainder of the first round HtD Mockery Draft after the jump. Click READ MORE to continue:
Pick 8 – Detroit Pistons
Kemba Walker, G, UConn
When the Pistons had a set lineup of players who knew their roles and bought in defensively, they were the kings of the Eastern Conference. Now, they have a bunch of 3-4 tweeners and combo guards and they are terrible. Clearly, that means Detroit will take another tweener, UConn “point” guard Kemba Walker.
Pick 9 – Charlotte Bobcats
Kawhi Leonard, SF, San Diego State
When you have a chance to replace Gerald Wallace with a guy who plays exactly like Gerald Wallace did before he developed, you do it.
Pick 10 – Milwaukee Bucks
Alec Burks, G, Colorado
Alec Burks is a talent that can create off the dribble, get the hoop and get good looks for others. But he’d rather just take shots himself. He’ll fit right in with the NBA’s worst offense over the last two seasons.
Pick 11 – Golden State Warriors
Dwight Howard, C, Orlando – Marcus Morris, SF, Kansas
Marcus doesn’t have a true position. He could be a SF, but will probably end up a PF after six months of living the NBA lifestyle. He can score.
Pick 12 – Utah Jazz
Jimmer Friddette, PG, BYU
Wait, Jimmer’s gone? We’ll take Chris Singleton from Florida State. At least he’ll guard someone. Plus he loves long contested 3s just like Jimmer. Only his don’t go in.
Pick 13 – Phoenix Suns
Donatas Motiejunas, PF, Lithuania
Since I am not very intelligent, I often misspell Phoenix by mixing up the E and O. They will draft Donatas Motiejunas so that people are forced to write, “The Phoenix Suns drafted Djnkalskjdasjdf Mojakshfalfsas”.
Pick 14 – Houston Rockets
Bismack Biyombo, F/C, Congo
The Rockets specialize in foreign bigs (Yao Ming, Luis Scola, Brad Miller) and keep that tradition alive. Mostly, this pick was made because Biyombo was not invited to the draft. If Mark Cuban wouldn’t spite David Stern and the NBA after game 6 of the Finals, maybe their in-state rivals can with the selection of this Congo native.
Pick 15 – Indiana Pacers
Klay Thompson, SG/SF, Washington St
Klay Thompson is the perfect insurance for when Danny Granger tears an ACL or Paul George shows that he will never be able to shoot. Klay was described by one draft site as someone who “plays below the rim”. That is never good for a guy that is 6’7″.
Pick 16 – Philadelphia 76ers
Tristian Thompson, PF, Texas, plus some other guy after trading Andre Iguodala.
From a talent standpoint, Thompson is a good looking pick here. Philadelphia is desperately trying to acquire a big, maybe Thompson fills that role. Okay, enough of that. We all only really care about Iguodala being traded to a contender. Bodog has 2-to-1 odds that he is traded by the end of the night, who wants some action?
Pick 17 – New York Knicks
Markieff Morris, PF, Kansas
The Knicks need size and the fatter Morris brother is the pick here. Honestly, I’m solely picking Markieff here to wonder what possible names Knicks fans will be able to think of that rhyme with Markieff to call him.
Pick 18 – Washington Wizards
Tobias Harris, F, Tennessee
After grabbing Jan Vesely earlier, the Wizards grab another exciting forward who can be a 3 next to Vesely at the 4. He can handle the ball and can help the Wizards finally begin to replace the Black Hole (Andray Blatche) and one of their newest acquisitions and LeBron’s now mortal enemy, Rashard Lewis.
Pick 19 – Charlotte Bobcats
Kenneth Faried, PF, Morehead St
Undersized PF but his dreads make him look bigger and tougher. At this point, Charlotte just needs someone who can rebound all of Stephen Jackson’s missed shots.
Pick 20 – Minnesota Timberwolves
Jordan Hamilton, G/F, Texas
If the Timberwolves do keep their current roster together and either trade the #2 pick or select one of the top two players, Hamilton makes sense here. Although it’s against Kahn fashion to actually fill a need, Hamilton could slide into the 2 spot. If it helps you feel better, we’ll just pretend Kahn is drafting Hamilton to play the 3 with Michael Beasley coming off his best season.
Pick 21 – Portland Trailblazers
Nikola Vucevic, C, USC
Portland’s depth chart at the Center position is Marcus Camby, Chris Johnson and Greg Oden. They need a body at a minimum and Vucevic is the only guy left that fits the “body” criterion. Plus he probably knows hot girls from USC who will love Oden.
Pick 22 – Denver Nuggets
Iman Shumpert, G, Georgia Tech
Shumpert can play both guard positions and has good size. He can also help them dump Raymond Felton, who’s Knicks’ stats made him look about 1,000 times better than he really is.
Pick 23 – Houston Rockets
Marshon Brooks, SG, Providence
Marshon is the best available player at this point. This is funny to me because unless you are an alumnus of Providence College, you don’t know who Marshon Brooks is. Go Friars!
Pick 24 – Oklahoma City Thunder
Kyle Singler, F, Duke
The Thunder are too likable. They need a Duke player.
Pick 25 – Boston Celtics
Jeremy Tyler, C, Tokyo Apache
This pick is an attempt to curse the Boston Celtics. It’s that simple. Enjoy Jeremy Tyler on your books for two years and good luck having KG not punch him in the face on a daily basis.
Pick 26 – Dallas Mavericks
Tyler Honeycutt, F, UCLA
Honeycutt really didn’t have the kind of sophomore season the Bruins expected him too but he is a talent. The Mavericks just ended a lot of disappointment for a lot of players and fans, maybe they can turn this somewhat disappointment into what he could be
Pick 27 – New Jersey Nets
Shelvin Mack, G, Butler
If you put a MACK in Jersey, then it’s game over for Humphries and Kardashian. Return of the Mack.
Pick 28 – Chicago Bulls
Josh Selby, G, Kansas
The Bulls have really crappy 2′s, so they decide to pick one. Pretty simple, really.
Pick 29 – San Antonio Spurs
Targuy Ngombo, SF, Congo/Qatar/Mars
The most mysterious and unknown player that is attached to the draft. San Antonio is the place to be. No report on if he does or does not have ACL’s, if he is a Cuban relief pitcher or not. Targuy has to be the fakest named I’ve ever heard. Spurs.
Pick 30 – Chicago Bulls
Justin Harper, PF, Richmond
He seems like the kind of guy that will try really hard but isn’t the most talented player. He’ll fit right in.
We each then took 3 stabs at who the Magic may take with the 53rd overall pick.
- Andrew Goudelock, PG, College of Charleston
- David Lighty, G, Ohio State
- Isaiah Thomas, G, Washington
- Rick Jackson, PF, Syracuse
- Tom Herzog, C, UCF
- Stanley Robinson, again.