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2012 Orlando Magic Rulebook – Appendix A

2012 February 13
by Brian Serra

“Without change there is no innovation, creativity, or incentive for improvement. Those who initiate change will have a better opportunity to manage the change that is inevitable.” -William Pollard

The Orlando Magic are nearly a third of the way through the season and the results so far have been mixed.  Despite playing just 28 games (17-11), the Magic have somehow played such up and down (most recently very down) basketball that they have almost silenced the trade rumors that should be engulfing this team.

Being the solutions oriented guy that I am, I have developed a new set of guidelines for Stan Van Gundy to institute into his coaching philosophy.  This team needs incentives and to get there, you have to move past the traditional basketball paradigms.

If Stan wants to turn his team around, all he has to do is follow this one easy solution. If he trusts in the system and implements the below Rulebook Appendix, I will personally guarantee that things will not get any less hopeful for the future than they are today.

2012 Orlando Magic Rulebook – Appendix A

  1. Any player that passes the ball to Glen “Big Baby” Davis with 6 or less seconds remaining on the shot clock will be immediately substituted for upon the next stoppage of play.
  2. Following a time-out, any player that takes a fade-away off-balanced three pointer at any point in the possession, regardless of shot clock, shall receive an automatic one game suspension.
  3. Any player who is found to have consecutively dribbled the ball for longer than 12 seconds and does not pass the 3-point line on a single possession shall be benched for the next two quarters.
  4. Any player whose turnovers exceed points scored at halftime will be prohibited from returning to the court in the second half.
  5. Any player that publicly proclaims that they played harder than usual because of  fan “heckling” will receive 14 pats on the back upon the ending of the game. However, the player shall also be required to answer Otis Smith’s Golden State Warrior hot line for the week leading up to the trade deadline.
  6. In the event that not enough players are eligible to participate in the game due to suspensions, the Orlando Magic Coach has the right to choose one body from the following pool of available choices: Jason Williams, Nick Anderson, Bo Outlaw, Jeff Turner or Adonal Foyle.
  7. Any player who misses ten or more free throws throughout the span of a single game shall be unilaterally signed to a 5-year maximum salary contract and forfeits all rights to challenge, review or reject.
  8. If any member of the Orlando Magic coaching staff complains about the level of energy displayed from the regular rotation in a given game, but does not give minutes to anyone outside of the rotation, that coach will be replaced for the first quarter of the following game by a blogger to be named later.
  9. Any player that publicly complains about coaching decisions or the play of their teammates after a win will be required to read and report on each and every one of  Pat Williams 71 books on leadership .
  10. After each game, the player who led the team in careless plays (non-basketball turnovers, bad shots, low energy etc.) will be required to display a life sized FatHead of Zaza Pachulia in their locker until the following game. In the event that no player has earned this punishment, then the Pachulia FatHead will be displayed in the vacant locker previously held by Vince Carter.

Fool proof.

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8 Responses Post a comment
  1. Wilkescd permalink
    February 13, 2012

    I would also add that any player who makes a stronger contribution to the team while on the bench (I.e. celebrations, cheerleading) is relocated to that position for the last 5 minutes of each quarter

  2. February 13, 2012

    Brilliant addition Wilkescd. Love it.

  3. Kenny permalink
    February 13, 2012

    You also forgot “If your name contains any version of the word “Duhon” then you are immediately never allowed to play in any game….ever….”

  4. February 13, 2012

    Any front office member that “likes this team”, after every offseason, while making asinine trades during the year, is required to wear the fat guy’s boxers as a hat during all star weekend.

  5. February 13, 2012

    Any player named Hedo Turkoglu or Glenn “Big Baby” Davis is required to attend all AA meetings in the Orlando area. This is because they are the main cause of alcoholism in Orlando.

  6. Johngreenspan permalink
    February 13, 2012

    Any player caught holding the ball while the shot clock expires must play “hot potato” with elementary schoolchildren the following day.

  7. Asmith0877 permalink
    February 13, 2012

    If your last name sounds like a Nabisco cookie than you deserve more playing time

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